Feelings Box - Remembrance

September 30, 2016



I believe that the cycle of grief is natures way of helping us to incrementally process the inexplicable. That multi-faceted, multi-sensory, avalanche of pain that follows the death of a loved one and that we have no darned clue what to do with...

So, we chaotically, (unconsciously) wear and reject different feelings. A strange force invades our being, tears open a wardrobe door and launches random ill fitting clothes straight onto our backs; but they are:

out of season


too tight


like alien skin, zipped crudely over our spine. It feels different, looks different, smells different, and does not fit our shape...


So, we might feel, in no particular order- as there is no helpful & defining script... Shock.

Shock, where every organ, every sense, every atom of your universe slips.


Our brain is on loop, like a torturous, repetitive music sample, moving between 'numb' and 'NO', Nothing & denial, blank landscape and blinkered.


Our mouths form words that we cannot articulate and we try and shake them away, our heads rotating left to right, willing the repetitive swing of hair against cheek to fan reality away.


Our eyes squeeze tight, zipped up, blocking out truth, Projecting visual 'NO's' that dare anyone to challenge them...


And if we get angry enough we can make it go away, scare it. We swear at it, scream at it, punch it, punch ourselves...HATE, hate ourselves, hate you, hate them, hate life, hate anyone....


and  then we might summon blame, yes, blame, blame someone, anyone, everyone. Ourselves...how WE could have made it NOT happen, blame 'them'- how THEY could have made it NOT happen, blame 'it', how IT could have made it NOT happen.


All of the above - hollow primal screams of knowing that 'it' is real, pain that perishes your core, tears, withdrawal, rejection.


And, realisation, 'it' did happen and blame is just an empty pocket to fill something with something...because those feelings have to get out. YES let them out.


So, then we move back into our heads (we live there a lot in grief) and we visualise, we mentally barter, we trade, we swap, we buy, we beg, we sell, we borrow...what if.... I had done.. what if.....we had gone, perhaps.... if....maybe ...


We look to rewind, re-group, re-shape, re-write and re-enact... and then we accept, we process the reality, we swallow the new landscape that is our life and though it is all the wrong view and hue, we accept it.  We try to see out of our eyes again and look over and beyond the new horizon...


And eventually we start to 'get there', and NO we are not 'getting over ' anything, we are not 'forgetting', we are learning to live on the earths slightly shifted axis and accept that we are different now...


We have these new clothes that we really didn't like, but they are moulding to our new shape, they are absorbing our being and working with us towards life as it opens itself to us...


The sun still shines, the rain still falls, the sky still holds the mystery of life and we know its okay to seek happiness...


Happiness, may seem beyond grasp, but it isn't.. it is as near as we allow it...we are entitled to carry our love with us, because the memories offer layers of love and life experience that quantify our existence..make us who we are...and walk with us as we give life to new feelings, tucked deep in each beat of our heart our loved ones want us to live and embrace the rhythm of life...


The cycle revolves and evolves and will poke its triggers right at you at times, know it, claim it, work with it.....move with it like a wave, its shape is ever changing and as certain as the day will sneak into night, you will move with the ebb and flow of change... just be kind to yourself always and focus on the smallest, most beautiful things that are right in front of you, the trees the flowers, the birds, the wind, and love the skin you live in.. ...


I have provided a page for your memories, (in the menu under Funerals tab, choose remembrance Box.) http://www.hertfordshirecelebrant.com/remembrance-box

It is important to put aside a time for remembering in order to exist, contribute, be present and thrive in the world you share with those who care about you and visa versa.

With love 

Colleen Allen - Independent Celebrant 




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